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June 27, 2012 by Lurkerbunny
June 27, 2012
I said I would put up some of the last pictures of me and Robin, and I'm finally getting around to doing it. I've tried before, but it's just so emotional for me just to look at them. It's almost like another reality now. I reality I want to be in again. Crying 

Before you ask, the reason I didn't upload this right after I took it like all the pictures with him before was that I was sick of people calling me "stalker", "creeper", "psycho", "pathetic", what have you. I figured the best thing to do was to keep further recaps of meetings for only my friends on my LJ. Meanwhile, I was planning to drop off from DA for a while anyway due to circumstances I wish not to disclose. But I desperately needed a break to collect my thoughts and sort my priorities over what direction I wanted to take my creativity.

But anyway, what happened that day was it was a Wednesday, and I was all gearing up to go perform comedy with my friends at Dirty Trix (formerly The Holy City Zoo, and now something else). But while checking Google news that morning, I read it. Robin Williams! Mill Valley! In the park! FREE! Hot damn!  Dance! Unfortunatley, Mill Valley is a long way away from where I can get to in SF by public transportation. And my aunt was busy... but I decided this time I'm seizing the day for real. I checked up some bus schedules and got myself all nice and spiffed up and grabbed my money and headed out at 4... I used Google maps to calculate everything... but what I forgot is that they tend not to take rush hour traffic into consideration. Doh! 
The bus from SF to Mill Valley is nothing like Muni. It's comfortable, the driver was polite and helpful, and if there's no more seats, they don't force it to get crowded, they realize they have to pass people by. Fortunately, I got there up front. I was about half an hour late (it started at 6:30 pm) and I was worried maybe I missed HIS set.
There was a big crowd there, and some guy I'd never heard of was up. People lucky enough to live near there had brought lawn chairs and stuff, and there I was, my legs so not used to standing after all that time on the bus. As I walked around for a place to sit, I saw him. Blush  He was sitting in the audience with all the regular, everyday people, who in turn weren't a bunch of giddy fangirls (so naturally, I must act the same). There were a couple of louts behind him drinking Bud Light and giggling. I wanted to get into bodyguard mode and say "Hey, don't bug Robin you lushes!"... but maybe that would have been a bit much. I kept moving closer bit by bit as people let me through. My stomach was churning. What if I did come off like a creeper? What if he thinks I did screw up majorly the last time I met him? I was inches away but I kept my mouth shut. Suddenly Rick Overton, a comedian who he was performing with a lot recently, noticed me and said "Oh, you want to get through?". And so a few steps later, I'm right next to Robin Williams. Oh. My. God. What the hell have I gotten myself into? This is either gonna go really nicely or blow up in my face. Like a teenage boy, the first shy, small word out of my mouth is "hey...". And he actually looks at me and says "Hey" back. And he looks pretty happy too. Oh gosh...I see he's also trying to pay attention to the guy performing, but I know there is something I need to say: "I'm really sorry for the way I acted at the end of Comedy Day". And I say it and he says "No worries". Just that... same thing the guys running the comedy shows say when I think I've screwed up. Takes quite a bit off my mind, but you know how much I worry about what people really think of me (especially someone of this sort of significance), so I think I apologize about 5 more times before my brain says "Shut up, you might really be annoying him now!". He's so calm and keeps telling me not to worry. I ask if he's okay with me being there, and he says "Yeah". :) (Smile) 
Well, I was on cloud 9 that day. All afternoon, there I was just hanging out with Robin Williams. We hugged a few times... and I swear to you this is true... he called me "babe" and even "boo". Blush 
Finally he went up with Rick Overton and did a set. Just as brilliant and filthy as always. LOL  When his performance was over, so was the whole show. I told him I missed out performing with my friends to come there, and he said "Yeah, well this is more fun anyway." XD  I expected him to tell me that my performing would be more important! Ha! So anyway I asked for a picture with him as a "visual excuse note" in case they were gonna ask where the hell I was (turns out they figured it out themselves). Hence what you see up there. "I'll see you at Comedy Day, right?" I asked. "Yeah, I'll be there." So, as I hugged him goodbye, I was feeling great.

Now for the really important part, what happened after the show. Many people have their own story of how Robin Williams personally helped them when they had a problem. This is mine: I suddenly realized I did not know where to find the bus to take me back to the city. Frantic, I started asking everyone how find it or if there's any other way to get back. But what if someone tries to kidnap me? These are complete strangers! So I decided to ask the one person here I trusted. I know it would be awkward, but I didn't know what else to do. Rushing back to Robin, I said I realized I didn't know how to get home. (I was kinda hoping my girlish charm would make him want to give me a lift himself... keep dreaming...) He really was concerned for me but he didn't know anything about buses (not that I should've thought he would), so then I started asking other people... and then he did something I never thought he'd do: he gave me $40 for cab fare. I was shocked. I tried to say I didn't need it, that what I had on me was enough (turns out it wasn't), but he insisted I get home safely. Another guy who performed gave me $20. I was speechless. Another guy offered to call me a cab, so I went along with him. Before I finally left the crowd again, I apologized one more time. Robin said "No worries, just say goodnight." So I said goodnight. I couldn't tell from his tone of voice whether he was tired of me or just plain tired. (Seeing as how we met one more time after this, it was not me he was tired of Phew!  ). I got home safely, and vowed that I would repay him the next time I saw him. But that is another story. Meanwhile, I will forever be grateful to him... I mean I already was for being funny, bringing me out of my breakdown in 2007, and inspiring me to flex my creative muscles more, be it in comedy or in art or what have you... but he also pretty much saved my life. He cared. About me, about everyone in need. An that is what makes me miss him the most cry orange

So, my dear Robin, wherever you are:Thank You Cry Sign 

P.S. I never got the name of the other guy who gave me $20. But if you're out there: THANK YOU TOO.
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Well, it has been three months, but recovery is taking long for me. I'd like to thank everyone who has sent their kind words and prayers.

A world without Robin Williams is one I never wanted to live in. And yet here I am still. I'm not sure why, really. Okay, there are still a few of his movies that will be coming out (Merry Friggin' Christmas is one, which came out last Friday in limited release... so limited that it's not even playing in SAN FRANCISCO WTF?! ). But apart from that, there is a big hole in my heart, and a hole in humanity which can never be filled. The world feels colder, and not just in a literal sense. 2014 was already showing the worst of our species around the world, but now a huge beacon of light has been blotted out for good.

And with all the other goings-on this year, we need someone to make us laugh. To put the bigots, war-mongers, fear-mongers, and hypocrites in their place. Okay, sure, we have The Daily Show and The Colbert Report (but now for much longer) and Last Week Tonight With John Oliver, but their style is different. Their takes on current events are funny, but often end with a cynical sense of hopelessness. Robin's routines left people smiling, and maybe even hopeful. Especially for those who knew he was a good person. Empathetic, charitable, loving... a reminder that perhaps there are others out there like that. But now those reminders are hard to find, especially in the world of 24 hour news, and their insistence on "If it bleeds, it leads".

Remembering Robin Williams has brought out the best in most of us… but also the worst in the worst of us. People with not one iota of compassion or sympathy have run their mouths off; from the unsurprising like Rush Limbaugh and The Westburo Baptist Church, to the unexpected like Henry Rollins and Morrissey (I'm still not sure if I should delete his songs from my iTunes. I got them off CDs from the library, so either way at least I didn't spend my damn money on that asshole).

But back to the best of us, seeing all the love on twitter has given me some iota of comfort. Everyone from his closest friends, to his one-time co-stars, to young actors of my generation and after who grew up watching him (including the whole cast of Victorious Wow! ), and even those who have made fun of him (even Seth MacFarlane, which proves maybe he does have a soul after all... or at least a good sense of PR).

Robin to me was my hero. My idol. He was the reason I tried to be a stand-up comedian. The reason I came out of a horrid nervous breakdown. Someone I hoped to someday really get to talk to, to give me advice on how to really make it into the business, and pour my heart out to about my life... I guess it's good I didn't do that last one. His greatest acting role was definitely one of someone who didn't have the same problems I do. That pain, that feeling of helplessness, hopelessness. He put out an air of being just like his role in Good Will Hunting. And he was someone who cared, who listened... but we know now he wasn't rubber when it came to sadness, that is to say it didn't just bounce off him. But man, did he put up a good act on that. I remember the last time I talked to him, I asked if it bothered him when TV shows made fun of him, and he said "Well, it's out there, so..." meaning that when you're famous, you have to deal with this sort of thing. It was inspiring at the time. There he was, being mocked by sketch comedy and adult cartoons and the internet, but to him it was just like water off a duck's back. But with the knowledge of his struggle with clinical depression, it was probably more like pins in a pincushion. And boy, do I know what that's like. Am I mad at him for putting out that image instead of owing up to his real feelings? No. It helped me. He knew what people needed to hear. He had good advice, good philosophies. But with depression, it's hard to follow your own positive advice. Believe me, I know.

In hindsight, maybe I should have seen the warning signs. I remember one of the first times I saw him perform live (it may have been the first), it war right after his divorce, and he did one of his self-deprecating bits. One woman shouted "I LOVE YOU, ROBIN!". I of course shouted louder "I LOVE YOU, ROBIN!". He just looked down and said sadly "You have no idea". Crying Back then it got a laugh, but maybe we should have seen a red flag. But how could we? It was the "sad clown" routine to us. Then he went back to just being Robin. Once again, his skills as a comedian and an actor kept us happy.

He was just the sweetest man in person. All the times I went to meet him, I always worried. "Is this right? Will he be happy to see me? Will he call security? Run away? Maybe I really am the creeper they say I am.". But every time, he always said "Hello, dear" (Really! :squee: Heart ), and I would always apologize for any faux pas I may have made last time. He always said "No worries". More playing the role of positive philosopher. But once again, it helped me.

I am now 27 years old. The same age as he was when he got his big break as Mork. I always said to myself that if I wasn't famous at the same age he was, I'd either seek out his advice or give up. But now I can't seek out his advice. I have no idol to turn to.

It should be no surprise to you that I don't want fame anymore now. I want peace and quiet. Hence why I have been quiet. Lord knows I have a lot of not-so-pleasant memories of the reactions to my more esoteric works. By the way, those of you out there on those Deviantart mockery sites expecting me a draw a weeping Meg Griffin by an hastily-drawn, undetailed gravesite: sorry, you're not getting that out of me. Even I have enough sense not to do that. (Although that is an idea for a memorial picture when Adam West leaves us. At least that has a connection.) I'm still not sure I'm even going to do a drawn tribute. There are so many already by much more talented people, and meanwhile I have been homing my drawing skills, it's more for my own style that to draw something like, say, The Genie or Fender or Batty Koda (I mention them because my concept is something like the famous Mel Blanc "Speechless" memorial… I bet that's been done already anyway). However, I do have a few photographs of Robin and I together that I never posted here for an assortment of reasons… but now I think I will, and I shall tell the story of those last meetings under them.

For the longest time I felt alone as a Robin Williams fan. Even when evidence pointed to the contrary; all the wonderful comments on my videos, all my faves, the friends I made… and yet it was the hurtful comments that stuck with me. Because that's what depression is, basically. And now I realize I'm not alone… I just wish it didn't have to happen like this.

RIP, Robin Williams. (I wish I had never, ever have had to type that. Ever.)
  • Mood: Sorrow

deviantID

Lurkerbunny
Reality, what a concept!
United States
Current Residence: Greyhaven, Berkey, CA
Favourite genre of music: EVERYTHING!
Favourite photographer: Hmmmm...
Favourite style of art: Anime style
Operating System: Mac OS X
MP3 player of choice: iTunes (AND YES, I HAS IPOD NOW.)
Shell of choice: Shell... pasta? Mmmmm.
Wallpaper of choice: Anything with Robin Williams that is designed well. Not many of those, sadly.
Skin of choice: I dun have winamp. :P
Favourite cartoon character: Too many to list!
Personal Quote: You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams
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:iconctdsnark:
ctdsnark Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for :+fav:ing "death to poochie"!
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:icone-ocasio:
E-Ocasio Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2014   Artist
I never give thanks to people who favorite my drawings, only answer all comments.
But you liked a bunch of them so thank you very much! :thanks:
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:icondto:
Dto Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave!
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:iconrock-raider:
Rock-Raider Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2014
Thanks for favig my CuddlesxGiggles picture.:aww:
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:iconei9:
ei9 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014
 Hi Lurkerbunny

     I just love your awesome artwork and I know that you are a big Mork and Mindy fan as well as the old school electric company and even Meg Griffin of Family Guy as well. I also love your photography as well especially your pics of you and the legend himself Robin Williams. we will all miss him so much and his star will continue to shine in heaven. I even got you in my Dev watch and look forward seeing more from you in the future. keep doing what you been doing homegirl and God bless!
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:iconrkerekes13:
rkerekes13 Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014
Happy Birthday! :party:
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:iconvasglorious:
vasglorious Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday, Lurkerbunny!  Airborne Have your cake and eat it too Airborne 
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:iconjmshearer:
JMShearer Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2014
Hey, I don't know if you're still around here much, but I tagged you in one of those "tag game" journals.
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:iconjmshearer:
JMShearer Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013
Happy birthday!
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:iconllama-lady:
Llama-lady Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2013
Happy birthday.
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